There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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