fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
worst night to have a conscience
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I need to calm my uterus...
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
