i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Randomize
