you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
