CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
