Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
The beer is more important than you right now.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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