So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
