shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
