Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
The adults are the big ones right?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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