you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
