Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
