I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Randomize
