My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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