I think i peed on brittanys purse
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
