you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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