I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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