i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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