Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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