I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
