oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
My ass is underappreciated
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
