I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
the day after is always just damage control
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
