whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
