I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Randomize
