your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
