How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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