haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
So apparently I’m into choking now
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
