Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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