Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
