I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
