she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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