I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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