were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
As shirtless as possible
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
