i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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