Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
