I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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