I cut my penus on the lid.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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