he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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