What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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