If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
