The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
