The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
