my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
