The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
