omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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