oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
