Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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