Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
