I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
