it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
