Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
