At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
