Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
