The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
