I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
